So I have to apologise that it has been SO ridiculously long that I haven’t posted here. This month has been really hectic so I’ll try to bring you all up to speed without boring you too much and hopefully I don’t end up with a novel at the end from just one post.
So I left Siem Reap on December 1st. I went to Phuket to meet my best friend and some other friends there. As I’ve explained before, that trip was meant to be the end of my Asian journey. I was to stay in Phuket until January 19th, where I’d then return back to Melbourne on the 20th. It was only in around September that I knew I didn’t want to stay in Phuket for long. So I went, spent 4 days in the hotel bed and returned back to Cambodia. I felt so sick the entire time I stayed in Phuket. I think I was so unhappy to be “relaxing” and enjoying myself, that I made myself sick. I never told my parents though – they only would’ve worried. So four days later I returned to Siem Reap. Saying goodbye to the kids after five months broke my heart. I knew it wouldn’t be for long but it was something I never thought about having to do the whole time I’d been there. I remember looking at my desk, something I’d sat at for these past months and had so many memories there. The laughs, the head-fuck moments and everything few and far between.
Returning to Siem Reap – there are no words for that. Finally, after the hours of being in the Thai Airports, both Phuket and Bangkok, and then the ridiculous 45 minute flights between Phuket and Bangkok, and Bangkok and Siem Reap, I arrived back on Cambodian soil. As I looked out the window as we began to land in Siem Reap I finally felt at home. The sick feeling in my stomach was gone. I was no longer homesick. I wasn’t homesick for Melbourne, I was homesick for Siem Reap. I just wanted to be back with my family there and for them to take care of me and make me feel better. For a home-cooked Cambodian meal by Savong’s wife or the beautiful young girls who usually cook now.
When I arrived in Siem Reap back in July this year I mentioned how much you appreciate the world when you see it from above. I’d forgotten that feeling and I was glad I was reminded of it again. When you see the world from above you can see how small everything really is in comparison to what we think it is when we’re down there in amongst it. Sure, when you’re standing next to a house, the house is 10 times your physical size. But what you feel and what you believe and love, is so much bigger than that. I am so sure of what I know and feel from above. Because you really do see how insignificant material possessions are. At the end of the day, I was in one of the most gorgeous places in the world, Phuket, in a stunning hotel, with hot water (which was just crazy after not having it for so long) and the option of 3 pools – I just didn’t care. All I wanted was to be back with loved ones again. It was amazing to see my best friend though, I never forgot how much I had missed her and how much I love her. But family is family and Siem Reap has been home. I had all of the greatest in Phuket, but it meant nothing to me. Love came out on top. The Cambodian life is a life of love and family. Just like it is for me in Melbourne.
About a week or so ago, Florian – one of the greatest guys in the universe, a guy who I am so proud to call my family, my brother- had a motorbike accident on his way home one night. He luckily walked away with a broken collarbone and a few broken ribs. I say lucky, because he’s lucky he has his life still. We were all of course so worried for him, his hours in surgery were daunting. When he hadn’t returned from surgery after 3 hours I was pacing his room, anger growing by the minute as to why no one knew why it was taking so long. My first week back in Siem Reap was spent staying at Florian’s gorgeous apartment, or the hospital, the Cambodian family gathering wherever Florian was making sure all was okay. It’s a real family. It’s not something that we just harp on about. There were hospital shifts, cooking and cleaning duties, and most of all – love and support. We have the greatest family in Siem Reap and there’s no denying that. Pomsen, La, Theavy, Soya, Bopha .. and of course the entire HSO and SOC clan of kids and staff who have Florian on their minds and in their thoughts to this moment still. I learned even more during this time the true meaning of “being there” when someone needs you. It brought me such comfort to know that when we say “you are my brother” it’s not just words. I’ve had many conversations with various people where I emphasize that words don’t mean a lot to me. Words are words. Actions will always show me what’s real.
Cambodia never gets old to me. Maybe after 19 years I’ll feel the same way I do about Melbourne… that it’s my home and that I have my family there, but that somewhere else in the world is calling me. I still hold this strange sense of guilt when I talk about my love for Cambodia and that it’s my home, that it’s where my heart is. I feel like I’m disrespecting my family who have been there and loved me from the day I was born. I try not to think about that, I just hope that they all feel confident enough in themselves to know that the love I have for them will never compare to the love I have for anyone in the world. They’ll always be number one and I miss them every day. No single day passes that I’m not thinking of them. For now this is where I need to be, where I should be, where my heart is. Home is where the heart is. And Cambodia, for now… is my home. When it comes to my love for this place I think I’m actually pretty misunderstood. I rarely miss Melbourne, this is true. But I always miss the people who have made it my home.
There’s this impossible decision that I know one day I’m going to have to make. I return to Melbourne in January 2014, only next month. I then start University where I’ll study International Relations for 3 years (with plenty of visits in holidays). Following this, I plan to return to Cambodia. I know this time it will be different though. I’ll need to move there, to live. I will need to find a paying job to support myself, whilst still working in the NGO which is the true part of Cambodia that will always have my heart. But I will need to support myself too. I know that’s a long way away, I don’t have to think about this now. But I always think of the impossible decision to do that. To follow my heart, and leave behind the people I love most in the whole world, my family and friends… or to stay with them and be happy with them, but not be living what feels like my true purpose? Every day I preach doing what you want to do, what you need to do – to follow your dreams. I guess when my time comes I’ll look back on my own teachings and hopefully know that to follow my heart is not the right way, it’s the only way.
Christmas is so quickly approaching, just 2 days away. My heart melts when I see the bright Christmas decorations on all of the 5 star hotels. The huge displays remind me of when we’d drive around at night and look at all of the houses with Christmas lights up during December with my parents and younger brother. I remember how excited we would be, how happy we were. Something so simple, yet so amazing.I remember I would always unbuckle my seatbelt any time we would look at lights. And I would make really loud noises saying “WOW LOOK AT THAT ONE!” so that Mum and Dad wouldn’t hear me undo my seatbelt. Then sometimes my brother would dob me in, so I got smart and undid his too. He was still in car seats at this stage but I did it anyway… Then we’d sit on the floor and try not to get caught. When either Mum or Dad figured it out we were in big trouble. Of course all I did was laugh.. The other night we were driving past these hotels with all of the kids on the way home from picking up Galina and her mother Maria from the airport. The kids were so amazed by the lights they were yelling and clapping and laughing. It took me back to my childhood and really, the best days of my life as a kid was always around Christmas. Because I was with my mum and dad’s sides of the family in the one day. Which for me, was all I ever loved to do when I was young – and nothing has changed.
Christmas is my favourite day of the whole year. This year, I miss it more than ever. Especially with my cousin Kelly. My best friend, my soul mate.We’d always drive around with Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ blaring on repeat. The lyrics say it all, ‘baby all I want for Christmas is you’. It is so true. I’d give the world to have my family for Christmas this year. Being here, I guess is kind of selfish…and it was my choice so I shouldn’t complain. But I miss them all the same. And Christmas food my God I’m gonna miss that.
So for now I think I’ve said enough. I know, finally. I really hope I don’t leave it this long again. There are some big changes ahead for orphanages and NGO’s all across Cambodia. The Government has made some decisions that will rock orphanages like never before, ours included. I don’t want to talk about it until I am clear though.
For now, I send the warmest love and best wishes and a very, very Merry Christmas. May your day be filled with family and food. Especially family. I’m going to devote my day on Christmas to giving as much love and joy that I ever have. I want to send so much love back to Melbourne for Christmas, I hope they all receive it. But as my parents always said to me “you’re always with us”.
So may your Christmas be safe and merry.
Peace & Love always,
Alex
Cambodian Dream 